At just about our 11th year anniversary, I had just about given it up. I remember exactly where I was in my home, when I said to the Lord, “ok, he’s yours. I am done, if you do not save him I just give up!”, I literally washed my hands of “trying to make it happen”. Two weeks later the boys and I were at Kid’s church as we did every Wednesday, the boys were all hyper and full of way too much energy, they flew through the front door and went running off to the basement, my husband was laying on the couch in the front room, lights off, but the TV was on, to none other but the TBN station, and listening to Jan Crouch – they were saying the sinners prayer!
Now you have to know, Brian HATED TV preachers, he said they were just after money. He had the remote in his hands, able to change the channel yet he didn’t. My insides were jumping up and down, my mind was racing, I was sooooo excited! This was it! (the boys had since run downstairs, so it was just the two of us in the front room). Ok, I said to myself, we are gonna sit down, get the bible out, go thru the basics……
And then the Lord spoke to me. At this point in my life, I had never audibly heard the Lord, but I knew for sure it was Him. He said to me “No. I’ve got it.”. Well, I just had to have my way, and in my mind to the Lord, I responded, “No! I have waited 14 years for this moment!”. The Lord said back to me “He’s mine, I will take care of him”. Well, at that moment I was just having a tantrum FIT inside myself! clear as day He said to me “Be still and know that I am God.(Ps 46:10) I have him”. This sure didn’t float well with me. So I reluctantly went to put the kids to bed. As I put each child to bed, I was very distracted, listening to see if Brian would call me to tell me this very exciting news. Nothing. So, as I went off to bed, I thought, ok, well, then, tomorrow when he comes home from work we can talk about it. Nothing. He said nothing. The next day came and went, the next week came and went. he never said anything.
Sixteen days after committing his life to Christ, he was in a car accident and died. Did I know God was in control? Yes. He is faithful and true. He took my husband to be home. Free from the burdens on earth. I had never had a peace like I did throughout the whole process of burying him. Though it was difficult to understand why my children would not have their dad, when he had loved them so dearly. No one could replace him as dad. Could I get another husband, sure. Nor could my mother in law replace her son. But one thing I know for sure, is that God had us in the midst of His heart. He loved us so much, he wanted me to know and be reassured of Brian’s resting place – eternity with the Father.
The Lord showed me, over a period of about 18 months, ever so clearly, how he had ordained each trial, each difficulty, and he showed me oh so specifically each time he revealed various situations, how one experience had led up to another, and how each time, I was strengthed, in order to prepare me for such a time as this. I learned the hard way that unequally yoked is NOT the way to go. Heed the Word. But through it all, when I took my hands off of the situation, God was able to do the work. God is so good! He also gave me during that time Isaiah 43:18-20 as my life verse.
18 “Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.
Throughout this life journey, no matter how dark it may seem, He is there with you. Rejoice and TRUST; waiting on His unfailing timing!